Friday, September 24, 2010

Unemployment Ahoy!

Georgia’s unemployment rate is at an astounding 10%, and if you’re “in between jobs” like me, you understand the hurdles one needs to jump through just to get interviewed at the local shopping mall. For those who would rather their professional competition be over the age of sixteen, let’s stick out this tidal wave of disappointment together. Better yet, why not spin it around and think positively? Let’s put an "F" in front of that "U" and have a party! Read on to learn how to have FUNEMPLOYMENT.

Scam Emails - For every five resumes I send out, four of them end up being replied to by emails written in poor English asking for my credit score or an address to send a cashier’s check. Normally I’d just toss those suckers in my spam box and move along my merry way. Lately it has occurred to me that, hey, those guys need to put food on the table, too. Why not humor them? Send out a fake credit score and have a good old chat with Mr. Jon Smith "on business overseas." Maybe he’ll get a raise!

Living With Your Parents
- Sure, your mom’s idea of privacy is a quick knock as she’s opening your door, and you may have to share bathroom space with your sibling, but a free room is a huge perk to funemployment. Who needs that much hot water anyhow? Your idea of bonding time to you might not equate to a lengthy discussion on where you went wrong in your life, but remember: your parents are only trying to bond with you daily! I sure know I need a regular reminder of why my siblings are doing better than I am. Turn your back to those stormy somber showers and feel the warm rays of Partly Cloudy Parental Affirmations. Now repeat after me, “Spin that wool! Black is a slimming color!”

Television - Normally I wouldn’t include judging others as part of a funemloyee’s repertoire, but have you seen MTV programing? Whenever I start feeling bad about myself, I turn on an episode of Jersey Shore. Do you have cameramen recording your every move so you can relive your failures over and over again? Never mind that a single Jersey Shoreian is making more money than you are. Remember, when they blow through their quick cash, they’ll still be the idiots who subjected themselves to skin cancer and nationwide ridicule.

Diet - Remember when you were little how, if you could, you would eat cereal every meal? With the off-brands being under three dollars a bag, now you can! Heck, get different kinds so you can have breakfast, lunch, and dinner cereals. No one can stop you now! If younger you could, they’d high-five you.

Morning Traffic - One weekday I hung out with a friend early on into the weekday morning, and as I was going back home on the highway, I noticed all the bright lights heading in the opposite direction to the city. I almost forgot about this particular soul crushing part of holding a job: commuting every morning in rush hour traffic. Why would anyone willingly go to the frontlines of the traffic war -- white knuckling your steering wheel, cursing and breathing in fumes from other unhappy worker bees -- is beyond me now.

Sleeping In - During funemployment you’re not working for the weekend -- so why should you have to subject yourself to waking up at normal people hours? So you can make the most of your daily Halo and Youtube video marathons? Please, you can still do that between the hours of 3:00PM and 6:00AM.

Grooming - Ever wanted to see how long you could go without shaving your legs or cutting your hair? Pesky employers and their “corporate guidelines” nipped that in the bud, huh? You, my friend, are your own funemployer, and if you don’t want to take a shower for a week you don’t have to! Come on, ladies, braid your leg hair! Fellas, go Unibomber chic! Are you going to fire your fun?

Weekday Warrior - When you’re in funemployment you can do what you want. Make your friends jealous by drunk texting them during the week about how much fun you’re having at the local watering hole without them because somebody has to work in the morning. I know, I know -- how are you going to be able to fund this WKDW lifestyle without the disposable income? Do you have an empty soda/water bottle? Get acquainted with Black Velvet and Mr. Boston, your new drinking buddies. A handle of the Velvet can be under $20, so pour that liquid out of a giant plastic bottle and into a portable one with a mixer, and you’re good to go!

Friends - A proper funemployee is never complete without some sidekicks. These employed folks will not raise an eyebrow over your current status. They might, however, e-mail you job opportunities or make sure you have an ear to chew off after you’re finished watching Jersey Shore. A sidekick will never judge you for wanting to Redbox-it instead of going to the theater, nor will they shriek at the fact that there’s not only soda in that bottle or that you can comb your legs. Their idea of dinner may not be Frosted Ohs, but if that’s all you have to eat, they’ll order you Chinese. You can’t spell both funemployment and friends without an "F" afterall.

photo credits: biology-blog, Washington Post and Black Velvet


  1. "Funemployment" is my new favorite word!

  2. This made me feel better about my own (f)unemployment.

    Also, I can't be the only one who spontaneously starts singing a parody of Jessie's Girl whenever I see the header of this blog... right?

  3. As a funemployed almost lawyer, this made me laugh and almost cry.

  4. Bwahahahahahah.."corporate competition being over 16".. indeed! Unfortunately.. 20$ for booze is better spent (to me) on food.. because FrootHoops and Honey-Ohs get old pretty quick.

  5. I've had several bouts of funemployment, but now, sadly, I'm become a lowly, unfun temp worker. Boo, I can't stay up past 11 anymore. On the plus side, I can eat more than cereal.

  6. haha I'm all for it. been there done that. proof:

    (my unemployed bum comic blog)